Nice, Kind, or Authentic... What's Best for Kids?

 
 
 
 
 


Be kind.

Ahhh.  Easy-peasy, right?  But being kind can become complicated when we trip over being nice and being authentic (not to mention that age-old pest––people-pleasing.)

But what even is kindness? And, how often do we mistake it with “being nice?”  And, what’s wrong with being nice?

Most of us grew up in an era where we were socially conditioned to “be nice”.  How often were we told as children to “play nicely” or to “be nice to” even if said “to” wasn’t treating us very nicely at all?  

We were instilled from an early age to believe that being nice equated to being kind.  

Is there even a difference? 

Uhhhhh, yes.

And in this blog, we’re breaking down!

Kindness, Mindfulness, and Authenticity

Kindness, Mindfulness, and Authenticity--what's the difference?

To get a bit “Merriam-Webster Dictionary” about it––to be kind is to be of a “sympathetic or helpful nature”, and to be nice is to be “pleasing or agreeable” (1).  

The distinguishing factor here?  It seems to be authenticity.  

 

See, we have been taught to “please” others or to be “agreeable” above our authentic feelings and desires.  But as children deal with the cognitive dissonance of acting against their desires, this focus on being “pleasing” and “agreeable” can lead to people-pleasing (a trait so many of us struggle to break as adults) and even to passive-aggressive behavior.

Which means that, in an attempt to be nice, children can end up inadvertently acting unkind.  

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior knows how truly ugly that can be.  And when you take a closer look at “people-pleasing,” it can be argued that it is, in fact, an unkind trait, as it robs the other person of knowing the truth from the false.  

Still, we do want our kids to be kind, and there is a time to be agreeable and pleasing. 

For instance, if your child is at a birthday party and the birthday kid wants to rock out to Broadway show tunes, but your child prefers Top 40, it would be appropriate to be agreeable and supportive and to go along with the desires of the birthday kid.  So, in accordance with our above definition, it would be appropriate to be nice.

Clearly, it’s complicated.  

But I think the win comes when we return to authenticity.

Let’s return to that birthday example.  We’ll call the birthday kid Jackson, and the party attendee Sally.  Jackson’s having a Broadway themed birthday.  He loves show tunes and wants to dance to them all day.  The kids are playing Broadway themed games, and there’s even a Karaoke machine filled-to-the-brim with Broadway originals.

Sally does not like show tunes at all, and to top it off, she doesn’t really like to dance in front of strangers.  She’s only really comfortable dancing to Top 40 music, and that’s because, when she’s dancing with her parents at home, that’s what they play.  

But, the truth is, it may not be appropriate to ask for new music, even if that is what Sally prefers.  It feels like it’s a better choice for her to do the “nice” thing here.  

But it would be inauthentic for Sally to pretend that she loves show tunes just to make Jackson happy.  So what does Sally do?  

Sally could approach the situation with an open, kind, curious, and supportive heart.

Yes, she is not into showtunes.  But, by supporting her friend and leaning into the experience from a place of open-minded curiosity, maybe she’ll learn more about why Jackson likes them.  She may even stumble upon one or two ditties that tickle her own fancy (Effie’s creator, Arynetta wants to throw Stephanie Mills singing Home from The Wiz in the hat, which she fell in love with around age 8.  Here you go, treat yo’ self.)  

If asked directly, “Do you like show tunes?” it’s okay for Sally to say, “Usually, no, but I’ll try it out for your birthday!” With a reply like this Sally is approaching the situation with kindness and curiosity. But she is not being inauthentic to herself.  

Here are four more ways your child can lean into being kind over being nice.

4 Ways to Lean Into Being Kind Over Being Nice

🌟 One.  Front-Load Kindness 

Make kindness a practice by getting into the habit of performing Acts of Kindness.

Making kindness a normal part of their routine is not only beneficial to the recipient, it’s beneficial to the child.  Here are a few ways kindness improves your child’s brain:

  1. Kindness stimulates serotonin production––a natural chemical that acts as a mood stabilizer by transmitting messages between nerve cells, promoting overall calmness and positive moods. 

  2. Kindness stimulates oxytocin––otherwise known as the ‘love hormone’ or ‘cardioprotective hormone’ that is responsible for protecting the heart’s health––mainly by lowering blood pressure. 

  3. Kindness releases endorphins––“the brain’s natural painkiller”––which are essential hormones for relieving pain and reducing stress. 

🌟 Two. Practice Self-Love (Self-Compassion) 

Sometimes children may result to people-pleasing out of a fear of being rejected.

Dr Sophie Bates, a clinical psychologist who specializes in child and adolescent mental health, discusses an inherent link between kindness and self-care: “Children who behave unkindly towards others likely feel badly about themselves”.  She further challenges that the many outdated, shame-based beliefs we instill in children from an early age to put others’ needs first are detrimental to their mental health.  

Says Dr. Bates:

“The pressure to be liked and accepted, achieve, and strive for perfection is linked with embarrassment, shame, not feeling good enough and pervasive self-criticism––thoughts and feelings commonly occurring in mental health difficulties such as anxiety and depression.”

To counteract that, it’s time we teach our children to fully accept and love themselves first.  From there they can begin to understand that being themselves, and accepting others preferences and choices, allows everyone to show up in this world exactly how they are meant to.

In his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra writes of what he told his kids from the time they were four:

"I don't want you to focus on doing well in school, I don't want you to focus on getting the best grades or going to the best colleges.  What I really want you to focus on is how you can serve humanity, and asking yourself what your unique talents are.  Because you have a unique talent that no one else has, and you have a special way of expressing that talent, and no one else has it."

What Deepak is referring to is his children's Dharma––a Sanskrit word that means "purpose in life."  

We all have a purpose in life.  That means that we are here for a reason, and that reason is important.  But, too often children grow up thinking they are not special.  That they are not a big deal.  So, they turn to the crowd to tell them what to do, what to like, where to go––often ignoring their own innate gifts, skills and interests.

Here’s the rub, other children are often doing the same thing.  So it can end up being the uninformed leading the uninformed.

With this, they fall prey to that pressure that Dr. Bates mentions.  Without that self-compassion, that self-love, they give into those feelings of, “embarrassment, shame, not feeling good enough, and pervasive self-criticism” that can lead to being overly-reliant on what others think about them.

It’s time that we foster and reinforce our children's unique thoughts, skills, gifts, and interests.  That our children know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they matter, that they are important, and that they are here for a reason.  And that we encourage them to get excited about that.

We’re going to talk more about Dharma in later blog posts, but one way that children can begin to practice connecting with themselves is through the practice of mindfulness.  

🌟 Three – Practice Mindfulness

Your child can learn to pause and consider what they need to do to take care of themselves before speaking, or taking action, through the practice of mindfulness. 

We did a deep dive on the benefits of a mindfulness practice for your child in this article.  Here’s a quick highlight:

“Mindfulness interventions in schools have shown practicing mindfulness may improve sleep and self-­esteem, self-­awareness and empathy, and can even contribute directly to the development of cognitive and performance skills, and executive function. 

Summing that all up, that means mindfulness can help your child think more clearly, sleep more deeply, be better organized, believe more in themselves, be more aware of themselves, empathize with their peers, and even their parents.  That means you!”

Research also suggests that practicing mindfulness exercises, such as meditations centered around self-love, “enhance brain activities related to emotional regulation, stress management and immune functions” (3).

But we know that getting your child set up with a mindfulness practice can feel a bit overwhelming.  That’s why we took care of the heavy lifting for you.

In our free animated video course, Mindfulness for Children Starter Kit, we teach parents and children why mindfulness works, and equip you with exercises and a plan to start your practice today.  Sign up for free right here!    

🌟 Four.  Learn to Say, and Accept, “No” Compassionately

Sometimes being kind means saying “NO”.

Not just saying “yes” because it pleases the other person or makes them ‘appear’ kind.   “No” is a complete sentence AND it can also be said in a gentle and compassionate manner.  By giving our children permission to be honest, we help them avoid future resentment and acting out in unhealthy, unkind ways.  

And just as important (and kind) as it is for a child to be able to use their authentic voice and say “No”, so is it true for the recipient’s response.  Indeed, this brings to mind that oh so valuable lesson of acceptance.  

It really is okay for someone to say “No” to us.  It doesn’t make us bad or unworthy.  It just is what someone else prefers at the time.  

So, how do we come to acceptance?  By learning to not take things so personally.   If another kid doesn’t want to play with or be partners with your child during class, or if your child isn’t chosen to be on the school’s volleyball team, they should understand that it is just a matter of preference rather than a personal slight. 

Even if that child is unkind about it.

The hard truth is, sometimes others aren’t kind, even when we are kind to them.  This also shouldn’t be taken personally.  More times than not, that also has to do more with that person than your child.  Remember what Dr Sophie Bates said: “Children who behave unkindly towards others likely feel badly about themselves.”

In that case, we can have compassion for that child, even if they behave in a way that we think of as behaving unkindly.

Learning to respond back with kindness, especially when things don’t go one’s way, like you don’t get what you want, or someone is unkind to you, isn’t always easy. But it can definitely be practiced.  

This is where that sacred PAUSE comes into play.  And, remember Step 3, we can teach our kids how to pause before reacting in an unkind manner or making rash decisions based solely on emotions by developing a mindfulness practice. 

If we are treating others with thoughtfulness, respect, and kindness, we can walk away from the situation feeling good about ourselves.  

Final Thoughts

Being a kind person is something that your child can take pride in.  But, being kind may become complicated when we confuse it with being nice and then further conflate being nice with being authentic.  But your child can learn to follow their authentic thoughts, preferences, and desires while being kind AND nice by:

💗 Front-loading kindness by practicing daily Acts of Kindness

💗 Practicing self-love

💗 Developing a mindfulness practice

💗 And, learning how to accept “No” compassionately

And your child can start practicing self-love and kindness today by practicing sending loving and kind thoughts to others and to themselves.  Get started now by watching this video!

Let's do it!

🧘🏽‍♀️The Loving Kindness Meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️